


Loveless Wrists

by chloebeale



Category: Pitch Perfect (2012)
Genre: Cutting, Divorce, F/F, Self-Harm, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-03
Updated: 2012-12-03
Packaged: 2017-11-20 04:09:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/581152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chloebeale/pseuds/chloebeale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trapped at Chloe’s apartment due to a snowstorm, Beca reveals some personal details about her parents’ divorce and how hard it was on her while Chloe tries her best to be understanding and comforting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loveless Wrists

It was intended to be just a hangout session, Beca having arrived at Chloe’s apartment several hours earlier. She came in from the chilly doorstep, shedding off her layers and greeting her redheaded friend. They ordered a pizza and watched some television, chatting idly as Beca bonded with the older girl’s new cat. The feline had taken a liking to her and had decided to plop down on her lap and fall asleep, and so Beca was trying her best to stay still, not wanting to wake the creature. 

“It’s freezing in here,” Chloe commented, getting up to turn up the heat and throwing a blanket onto the couch that Beca occupied, “do you want some coffee?” 

“Yeah, that sounds awesome,” Beca answered, pulling the blanket over her freezing feet. 

Chloe went into the kitchen and made a pot of coffee, pouring it into two separate mugs and making sure to add the correct amount of cream and sugar for them before she returned to the living room. She sat the mugs down on coasters on the table before walking over to the window and peeking out the blinds. She gasped as she saw the condition of the weather outside. 

“What?” Beca asked after taking a first sip of the warm beverage Chloe had provided. 

“Um, I think you should probably stay over, Becs. It snowed a lot since you got here,” she told her, neither of them having bothered to check the weather before making plans, and with the way the snow was piled up outside, it would probably reach Beca’s waist at least. 

“Really?” the brunette didn’t believe her and reluctantly she got up, causing the cat to give her a glare as it was startled awake and it ran in the other direction as Beca moved beside of Chloe at the window, “Shit, you weren’t kidding. Your mailbox is barely poking out!” 

“I think if you went out there, you’d probably die,” Chloe told her seriously, slinging her arm around her friend’s shoulder despite the height difference, “so you’d better stay here with me.” 

Chloe dropped her arm a moment later and made her way back over to the couch while Beca stayed by the window, peeking out for a few minutes more before she retired to the furniture as well. The two of them got beneath the blanket and Chloe took a chance, moving closer to Beca and leaning against her. 

She’d had a serious crush on her for over five months now, and she always found herself doing little things like this just to get a chance to touch the girl she liked, even if she knew inside that her feelings would probably never be returned. 

Beca broke through her thoughts as she told Chloe about how much she used to love snow. 

“I remember when I was a kid; I used to be fascinated by snow. I would sit by my window for hours and just watch it fall down. My parents…” she paused, looking down at the floor instead of at Chloe’s eyes which were on her, “they, uh, used to take me sledding. But after the divorce, those things didn’t really happen anymore. I guess it didn’t really matter that much, cause I was like twelve when they got divorced and what twelve year old still plays in the snow…but ever since then my mom always gets depressed this time of year. We haven’t even put a Christmas tree up in a few years. Neither of us really see the point,” she sighed. 

Chloe bit her lip, feeling sorry for Beca and what had obviously been a hard time for her, something that still affected her to this day. Chloe couldn’t necessarily relate, her parents were still happily married and in love, but she wanted to say something to what her friend had just admitted to her. After all, it wasn’t often that Beca opened up to someone like this. 

“I get that. I mean, it’s kind of a lot of pressure, the whole holiday thing. Even if you’re used to being alone most of the year, the holidays make it worse, it’s like you’re expected to be with someone or something. I don’t know. I’ve never been in a relationship on Christmas. I think most of the time, I just got broken up with so they didn’t have to get me a present,” Chloe admitted, “but I could see how your mom could get depressed. I think we all do, a little bit. But at least you guys have each other.”

“Yeah, I guess. She didn’t act like it, though. She was so busy being depressed about being alone; she didn’t realize I was there beside her, even more alone than she was. I mean, I was a kid and I needed my mom. She just gets really wrapped up in herself this time of year and it’s pretty shitty, since this is the time of year for family or whatever,” Beca shrugged. 

Chloe’s forehead wrinkled as she considered this, sad that Beca felt so alone. 

“Well, why don’t I be your family this year? I’ll be everyone. I’ll be your mom, your dad, your annoying little sister, your weird uncle, your cousin that you secretly wanna make out with,” Chloe giggled. 

Beca smiled and looked over at her. 

“Yeah, okay.” 

“You said you were twelve when your parents got divorced?” the other girl clarified, interested to hear more about what such a significant event in Beca’s life was like. 

“Yup. It was right before I was supposed to head into high school,” Beca admitted, curling her fingers over the handle of the coffee mug beside of her and taking a lengthy drink, “My mom wasn’t the only one who went off the deep end. I went pretty far myself. That’s when I got my ears pierced. I went through a goth stage. No one would talk to me. I did some pretty stupid things.” 

Subconsciously Beca’s hand moved to the sleeve of her shirt, pressing her fingers to the fabric and thinking to herself about the scars she knew lie beneath, some of which weren’t so old. 

“Like…what?” Chloe asked softly, not wanting to push her. 

“I took up smoking cigarettes, and then weed. Drinking, too, when I could find someone legal to get me something,” Beca explained, taking a breath and dropping her voice, “and other forms of self-harm.” 

“Y-you mean…” 

Uncertain as to why she was telling Chloe this when she’d never told anyone before, let alone shown them, Beca pulled up the sleeve of her shirt and moved her arm over so that the other girl could see it. She didn’t say a word as the redhead inspected her scars, her fingers warm against her cool skin. 

“I love you.” 

Chloe couldn’t think of anything else to say. Upon seeing Beca’s scars, some of which looked more like fresh wounds than old ones, she was presented with an inability to speak. Anything she would say would be inadequate compared to the pain that Beca must’ve gone through. She didn’t want to ask anything stupid, like why she did it, or when the last time she’d done so was. 

Instead she wanted Beca to know that she cared about her, and though she could’ve said those words, it was love that came out instead. Her face reddened a bit and she looked over at Beca, sliding her hand across her wrist and stopping to grab her hand instead. 

“I-I’m sorry. I wish I knew the right words to say. I wish I could erase all your pain. But I don’t have that power,” she inhaled sharply, “so instead, I just want you to know that I care about you, and I love you, and next time you feel like hurting yourself, I want you to pick up the phone instead of the—whatever it is you’ve been using—and call me instead.” 

“Um. I’ll try,” Beca murmured, pulling her sleeve back down and shrinking away from Chloe, feeling a little overwhelmed after sharing such a private thing with her, “I can’t promise anything. But I’ll try.” 

“Good.” 

“Did you mean what you said about, uh, loving me or whatever?” the younger girl mumbled, moving her fingers across the arm of the couch in an effort not to meet Chloe’s eyes. 

Chloe nodded, “of course, I wouldn’t have said it otherwise.” 

She did love her, too, in more than one way, actually. But that didn’t matter right now. Chloe wasn’t going to turn this moment into something selfish, there was no need to specify that she felt romantically for Beca. This was about the issues her friend was dealing with, not how she felt about her. 

“Thanks. I…love you, too,” Beca said it with a pained expression on her face, like it was difficult for her to say; “I appreciate you not freaking out on me. I’ve never told anyone before. No one’s seen my scars. I guess I was too worried about what they’d think about me if they knew. But somehow I knew that you would be cool about it. You’re just, ugh. I’ve never met someone like you before.” 

“I’ve never met someone like me before either,” Chloe responded with a light smile, “I think that’s a good thing, cause the world couldn’t handle two me’s,” she lowered her gaze, her thumb sliding across the top of Beca’s hand when she realized she was still holding it, “but the world could do with a hundred more of you, Beca.” 

The younger girl rolled her eyes, not believing the statement. She slid her hand out of Chloe’s grip and laced her own fingers together with a sigh. 

“I don’t think so.” 

“Do you think your parents’ divorce like, screwed you up or something? Not that I think you’re screwed up, because I don’t, at all. We all have our issues, I’m just…curious,” she felt like everything she’d just said was incredibly insensitive and she winced from her own words. 

Beca didn’t get upset though. She shrugged instead. 

“It wasn’t the divorce itself, which was just the catalyst, I guess. It was half a year before I even saw my dad again after he left. He was different, distant somehow. I tried to tough it out and see him on weekends, but I didn’t really feel wanted. Then he met the Stepmonster, before they were married of course, the divorce was still going through or whatever. He changed even more. And then when he found out, uh…” Beca stopped herself, realizing what she’d been about to reveal, “something he didn’t like about me, we stopped talking for a long time. Our reconnection is a recent thing. It still feels weird. And as for my mom, we have this relationship where sometimes I feel so close to her, and then other times it’s like she’s miles away and I can’t even reach her out there.” 

“And what about right now? Close or not close?” Chloe wondered, moving her legs beneath her to sit Indian style on the couch. 

“Not close,” Beca echoed sadly, “it’s being away at college that does it. I mean, I love Barden. I didn’t think I would, honestly. I mean, the Bellas are great, you’re great, and my classes are…okay. It feels cool to have a life of my own. But my mom’s far away, literally this time. My dad’s trying to butt his way back into my life, even though he still disapproves of…me.” 

“What exactly does he disapprove of?” 

Beca drew in a breath, dipping her finger in her lukewarm coffee. 

“You don’t have to tell me,” Chloe said after a long silence settled over them. 

“No, I want to; it’s just not easy for me. To tell people things like this. I already said a lot, I know I can trust you, it’s just—if I say it, there’s no taking it back. You’ll know and your opinion of me might change and I don’t want it to,” the smaller girl attempted to explain her reluctance, chuckling to herself. 

Hesitantly Chloe put her hand on Beca’s knee. 

“Nothing you say could ever make me think badly of you, if that’s what you mean,” she withdrew her hand after a moment, feeling awkward about the touch knowing about her feelings for Beca. 

The brunette grinned a little despite herself, “what if I killed someone?” 

“Well, depends on who it was and why you did it,” Chloe responded quickly with a matching grin. 

“Aubrey,” she laughed, “just kidding. I know you’d be pissed at me if I killed your best friend, even if she’s a bitch sometimes,” Beca rolled her eyes at the thought of the blonde, then stopped herself when she realized she needed to get this out or she never would. 

Shifting in her seat, Beca straightened herself up and looked over at the girl beside of her, telling herself again what Chloe had just said about her opinion not changing. 

“What my dad doesn’t approve of is…that I’m gay.” 

Chloe felt as if all the air had been knocked out of her. She stared at Beca with wide eyes, in complete disbelief of what she’d just admitted. There was no way this was actually happening. Life wasn’t like that. There’s no way the girl she’d been crushing on all semester actually liked girls. 

Calm down, Chloe thought, assuring herself that just because Beca was gay didn’t mean she liked her back. For all she knew, Chloe wasn’t her type. She might hate redheads, maybe she preferred blondes, or girls who were less peppy and more alternative, with tattoos and piercings and dark eyes outlined in black. 

She sighed, mentally telling herself she needed to say something, to react to what Beca had just told her, or her friend was going to think she disapproved of her just as her father had. 

“Oh, wow. Okay, that’s not what I expected you to say,” was what Chloe finally spoke when she found her voice again. 

“This is the part where you run screaming from the dyke sitting next to you,” Beca said softly. 

“Nope, it’s not. This is the part where I laugh hysterically at the world and its mysterious ways, because Beca, you’re not the only gay lady in this room,” Chloe laughed a little, “I mean, I think I am. I’m not so sure about the boys thing, but girls, I definitely like them. I definitely like…you.” 

Beca’s head swiveled around at Chloe’s words and her eyes darted to her friend’s. 

“Did you just…?”

“Did I? I guess I did. Heh. I was trying not to tell you that. I don’t want to make things awkward between us or anything,” Chloe’s eyes drifted to her forgotten coffee on the table and for something to do she picked up the cup and took a drink, even though it wasn’t warm anymore. 

“But you don’t look gay,” Beca stammered, her cheeks turning a hint of red. 

Chloe put down the cup again, chuckling at Beca’s response. 

“How do I look, then?” she asked, gesturing with her hands. 

“I don’t know. But not gay.” 

“I assure you that I am,” Chloe shot back with a smirk on her lips. 

“Did you plan this? The snowstorm and me spilling my guts to you, and coming out to you? Was this all an elaborate plan to get me to…?”

“To what?” the older girl was barely audible. 

Beca closed the distance between them, launching her small body onto Chloe’s and sending her toppling backwards onto the couch. Their lips met in a frenzied manner, moving quickly as their limbs tangled in each other’s, fighting for some semblance of control. Both of their hearts raced as their mouths moved together, something they’d both wanted for a long time. 

It was Beca who initiated the kiss and it was Beca who broke it, her chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath. Her mind was racing. 

“So you do believe that I’m gay now?” Chloe asked her teasingly. 

“No, I think I’m gonna need more proof,” Beca responded before bringing their lips together a second time, her hands roaming to the hem of Chloe’s shirt. 

She hadn’t anticipated this, at all. But her body and heart and mind and literally every inch of her was telling her to go for it. She had nothing to hide from Chloe. Chloe wouldn’t look at her scars in disgust. She would kiss them, stroke them, and give Beca the softest look she’d ever seen with those gorgeous blue eyes. And god, she wanted Chloe to touch her. To touch her in all the ways she needed to be touched. 

Beca pulled at Chloe’s shirt desperately, and the redhead stopped, grabbing for her hands. 

“Are you sure this is what you want?” she queried, not wanting them to rush into things or for Beca to feel compelled to do something just because she could. 

“I’ve never been more sure of anything,” Beca said boldly, moving her hands back to Chloe’s shirt and pulling it over her head, “I need this. I need you. I need to be touched. I need someone to love me. I know I sound pathetic, but…I just really need this.” 

Her voice wavered slightly as she spoke, on the brink of tears and feeling like a complete lunatic for almost crying when she was trying to get intimate with someone. 

“I need this, too,” Chloe promised, rising from the couch and pulling Beca by the hand toward her bedroom. 

She stopped by the edge of the bed and removed Beca’s shirt, her eyes dropping to see all of her scars, which weren’t just on her arms. They shone across many parts of her body, and Chloe was willing to bet probably even more beneath the rest of her clothes. Gingerly she helped the girl onto the bed and moved on top of her, taking her arm and bringing her lips to it, kissing her newest scars. 

“To help them heal,” Chloe explained before running her hands along Beca’s stomach, reuniting their lips and their spark, feeling her entire body heat up upon contact. 

Together they moved rhythmically, systematically shedding every piece of clothing that separated them. Chloe’s lips danced across every inch of Beca’s body, her fingers never trailing far behind.

She did her best to show the girl exactly how much she loved her, how beautiful she thought she was, and Beca reciprocated those things and more. Once they were both exhausted and blissful, they lay tangled together in Chloe’s sheets, the older girl’s arm around Beca, who was lying comfortably on her chest. 

Neither of them spoke, everything that needed to be said already had been, through their earlier words and actions. Instead they drifted to sleep, one after the other, dreaming of the future that would lie ahead of them.

Beca fell asleep with a smile affixed to her lips, and woke up with the very same. She finally had something good in her life, and she wasn’t ever going to let go of her.


End file.
